Sometimes we just do not know when we are about to enter a massive journey in faith and trust. Often a clue is that we are moving through some sort of change, for with any change, there is always a degree of uncertainty and a possibility that things may not go as expected. I think this if often why we resist change because one of our basic human needs is for certainty and yet we all have to be able to live with varying degrees of uncertainty in our lives. In fact too much certainty can get boring.
Why do we have to be able to handle uncertainty? Firstly because in truth, nothing is certain for us and anything can change unexpectedly at any moment; secondly we hope that with a feeling of certainty we have control of situations, and we all know that that control is just an illusion; thirdly and most importantly, because when we live with uncertainty we are building our faith “muscle” and making our trust in God, the Universe or our Higher Mind even stronger.
I have just had a 6 month period in my life with much uncertainty where I have really had to rely on my faith and be patient. At times over this period this was not easy as it seemed that God wasn’t keeping his side of the bargain when I placed my faith in him! It felt sometimes that somewhere along the line God had forgotten about me perhaps for some karmic reason from a past life hundreds of years ago that I had no idea about! It was a total test of patience, surrender and total faith that all was fine, even if it did not feel like that much of the time, or even look like that in the material world of form.
As many of you know I sold my lovely home in February with a view to buying a new house in Farnham. I write about this in my blog Living in the Void. I had found a house that I wanted to buy yet a matter of weeks before contracts were due to be exchanged, I was gazumped on the purchase of this house. It still felt right to move forward with that sale of my house but it meant that I no longer had a house for myself, my daughter Joni and our dog Chloe. All our things went into storage and I packed a suitcase of clothes for myself and Joni, a box full of paperwork and files and put Chloe’s bed in the car and we moved out of our house with no house to buy in sight. I arranged for us all to stay with a friend thinking that as a cash buyer with a property already sold, people would be more than happy to sell to me…but things did not quite work out that way!
I set to looking at more houses believing that there must be a better house waiting for me now and yet none of the houses I viewed felt in any way right, or they were just downright awful! It became a very disheartening experience as the small number of houses that looked good on the internet looked like a completely different house in real life. As the months went by I was beginning to get rather despondent with it all and considered renting a house. I was against this as I really didn’t want to get into a 6 month rental contract in case the “right house” came along. Also, it seemed that very few landlords would allow dogs in their properties so it would mean giving Chloe to someone else for that period which, given she was not yet a year old was not a nice thought.
My poor friend who had probably only been expecting us to say for one or maybe two months at the most, soon realised that this may no longer be the case as there seemed to be no nice houses to buy in my price range. I eventually found a cottage in a lovely location that came onto the market in May and the owner seemed very happy to move the purchase through quickly for me as she was already buying a house with her partner. At last things were working out and I felt so much happier. There seemed to be a light at the end of this tunnel! By mid June I would have my house.
I was driving my signed contract to my solicitor for the exchange of contracts on this house when I got a call from the estate agent handling the purchase telling me that the lady had changed her mind about selling the cottage. The lady had decided that she was going to rent it out instead. It was hard to believe what I was hearing as this lady who had been so keen and willing to sell quickly had now completely changed her mind. My purchase has just turned into a big forgiveness exercise because I felt this lady was taking a decision that should have been taken before putting her cottage on the market. It felt like the light at the end of the tunnel had just been turned off and all the feelings of despair surfaced again.
To make matters worse, I had to move out of my friend’s house in two weeks as her daughter was coming home from university after finishing her degree. Things were not looking good. I was praying to have my faith in this period and belief that everything was happening for my higher good kept alive. Over the next month or so the 3 of us, moved from one friend to the next. I slept on sofas, futons, sofa beds, blow up beds and sometimes a proper bed over that period! Sometimes I would get up in the morning and not know where we would be spending the night, but I did trust and actually night after night we did always have somewhere to stay. We ended up staying with an old horsey friend of mine who has this wonderful house in the Sussex countryside with lovely views, her own stables and an indoor pool. Lovely!
House number 3 came and went in June and I got gazumped on that too. I then I started to think that maybe I was looking in totally the wrong area. I had been asking to be guided to the right house that was meant for us. I extended this and asked to be guided to the right area for us to live. I started to look further afield from Joni’s school which had been the original reason for wanting a house in Farnham.
I ended up looking in an area called Godalming which I had always liked and put an offer in on a house near there. The owner was really happy to complete the sale fast for me but there was one problem with this house…although it ticked all the boxes for what I wanted in a house for us, I didn’t have a good feeling about it. By this time though it was July and I was getting desperate to buy a house, so I did my best to ignore that feeling and proceed. I did though, ask the universe that if this really wasn’t the right house, to please give me a way out of the purchase..and that is what I got. The house didn’t do well on the survey being an older house and it needed £11,500 of work done to the roof. This was not something I wanted to take on! So another house got crossed off the list and actually in the end I felt pleased that this hadn’t gone through.
I went straight back on the internet with a strong sense that I had found the right area to live in and just not the right house. Then I saw it, a house that seemed to really feel right, (though I didn’t want to get my hopes up until I had actually seen it). I spent a long time looking at this house talking to the owner and he told me all about the house and its lovely, peaceful location overlooking the open fields that could not be built on. There was lots of walking for my dog nearby and an easy school bus ride for my daughter to go to school. I knew I must not proceed unless I totally had the feeling that this was absolutely right for us all…and this house had that feeling both to me and Joni. Next week we are due to exchange contracts on this house with a view to moving in on 21st September.
This whole period has been a massive exercise in patience, faith and actually forgiveness, forgiveness of myself for not always listening to my intuition in my desire to buy a house quickly as well as forgiveness to all the people who seemed to go back on their word or change their mind about their houses. I got there in the end and, for some higher reason that I do not know yet, the answer to my prayer as to where am I “meant” to be living is in Godalming. Having had my faith absolutely tested I now feel actually an even closer sense of connection to myself and to Source as though in some strange way it has made more strong my inner connection. As a good friend said to me, “You are living in Godalming because God named this place for you.”